There are as many ways to work with trauma as there are ways to be traumatized. Everyone is different and will need to follow their own path. My own journey continues to be an evolving path of the most excruciatingly difficult lows as well as profoundly healing and connecting experiences.
The more I travel down my healing path, the more I see how insidious trauma really is, especially childhood abuse. As I am unraveling this tangled ball of beliefs, ideas, feelings, sensations, and memories, I am realizing that nothing is as it appears to be. The gaps in my memories painted an incomplete picture of the childhood I thought I had. The beliefs I had about myself being unloveable, damaged, alone, all trace back to seeds that were planted when I was too young to understand anything else. These seeds grew into noxious weeds that I have spent the better part of 3 decades trying to eliminate. From the early attempts at CBT and changing my “distorted thoughts” to learning how to treat myself with self-compassion. My path recently has taken me into my body; literally. I am gaining a profound understanding of how much of my trauma my body still holds. …
It’s time to move on.
Time to move forward.
Time to say goodbye to all the pieces I’ve lost- pieces that were taken from me.
Goodbye to the three-year-old me’s innocence. You didn’t deserve to be hurt and destroyed. You deserved to be protected. You deserved to be loved and cherished.
Goodbye to my 15-year-old youth. I don’t know what he did to you but I am sorry it happened. I’m sorry you had to deal with it alone. I’m sorry no one noticed. You deserved someone to have seen your pain. You deserve the protection.
Goodbye to the 28-year-old woman who so desperately wanted to be seen and chosen that she settled for the wolves in sheep‘s clothing. You deserved your No’s to be respected. You deserved a partner who loved you, who respected you, someone to take care of you. …
Nourishment: food or other substances necessary for growth, health, and good condition.
Where do we seek nourishment in this day and age? For many, we are privileged to have an abundant source of nourishment. Access is not the problem. Determining the need is often overlooked.
What has the capacity to nourish our physical bodies can also be abused to kill. Most don’t know what will nourish them because they do not know what they are hungry for.
Often the first step is to slow down, silence the noise and tune in to the whisper…
What do I need? Am I allowed to want? To need? Am I allowed to seek and find? Do I wait to be served? For another to nourish me? Am I able to seek the edge of want and find the pieces that need nourishing? Do I allow myself permission to receive? …
Saying goodbye when there are no words
Anticipating the death of a parent is no easy task and there are no roadmaps to help me navigate this. There is so much to say and so many feelings to process and the saddest part is that he is not gone yet but the clock is ticking.
The ambivalence of my thoughts and feelings sends me in a dizzying vortex. I should feel grateful for the time we have left… I should feel close to him… I should be able to muster the courage to have THE conversation but I can’t… I can’t will myself to go there. …
Definition of Silence:
Silence has been a running theme in my life, since the days of my innocence. Birthed from my ancestors and a lineage fraught with pain, silence, and joy. All of these were not discussed throughout my life and over time the silence became deafening. Watching the collective un-silencing unfolding I cannot help but reflect on my silence “where did my voice go? why do I remain silent?”
My voice is stifled.
My voice is weak.
My voice is cautious. …
After my divorce, I was determined to do relationships differently. Well it’s been a bumpy road, and I have learned much about myself in the process. I guess I should say that I am learning because if you do it right, you should always be learning in life.
I set out to figure out what a conscious, healthy relationship was all about. Somedays I think the recipe is clear, and other days it’s as elusive as ever.
WTF! How Does that Even Happen????
Trust me I had the same question when faced with this reality. But sadly it is my story, part of my history and it’s been a painful reckoning. I share my story to help others, and to present a different picture of sexual abuse to help increase awareness.
I knew I needed to leave my marriage. I knew that there was nothing left to salvage. I knew it was the end. I picked up the pieces and carried on, focused on getting back on my feet and learning how to be a single working mother and establish a new normal. But life had a different plan for me. …
The label “toxic” is a popular buzzword these days as many of us are dissecting relationships and evaluating the elements that are detrimental to our search for human connection. For I believe, it is through human connection that we have a chance to fulfill our potential. We need to do it together, we are not meant to go it alone.
My mind’s capacity to rationalize just about anything
My best friend came up with this saying during one of our “epics”, a walk and talk sessions sometimes lasting a couple of hours depending on our musings.
The saying has stuck with me since, and it is curious to me why we sometimes will overlook the obvious “red flag” warnings and ignore it altogether or mute the warning by rationalizing it away. Why do humans have such a poor track record at learning from our mistakes, often repeating the mistake over and over and not learning the intended lesson. …